


I will be the one to make you crawl

by Tuii



Series: Polarity [4]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Established Relationship, M/M, Mania, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 17:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: Your brain is also on hyper drive. He talks too much and too fast. he doesn’t finish his sentences because you get more ideas as you speak. You get all these ideas and then he doesn’t stop to think are they something you can do, something one should do. He just goes and does them. Spends a lot of money on something totally stupid. Drinks too much. Smokes too much. Parties too much. Haves too much sex (yes, one can have too much sex).





	I will be the one to make you crawl

There was something different about the YMRS at the doctor's office. He had done it several times now, just like he had done the BDI during the years. But giving the filled YMRS to his doctor was packed with different kind of emotions. It had more shame in it. Which seems stupid and weird since there’s same kind of questions on both forms. How are you sleeping, are you eating, how is your sexual appetite, how are you feeling in general. But something about the YMRS aka the mania test was more packed with shame. Maybe it was that in that you had to admit that you were crazy. Because let’s face it, being manic is being crazy, there is no way around that fact. Being manic makes you do so stupid choices that it’s ridiculous. 

Being manic is different kind of crazy than being depressed. It means you have momentarily lost the ability to tell apart what you can do and what you can’t do. You lose your sense of world in a way. Being manic and seeing your doctor then is like torture. He doesn’t want to sit, sitting and being still is difficult because your body is going on hyper drive. Yet he does his best to act like a normal person, he tries to sit still and look the part of a not-manic person although he knows that his doctor sees right through the act.

Your brain is also on hyper drive. He talks too much and too fast. he doesn’t finish his sentences because you get more ideas as you speak. You get all these ideas and then he doesn’t stop to think are they something you can do, something one should do. He just goes and does them. Spends a lot of money on something totally stupid. Drinks too much. Smokes too much. Parties too much. Haves too much sex (yes, one can have too much sex). 

The worst part probably is that he doesn’t notice this himself. No, that’s not right. He does notice it, in a way. But the mania is too strong, it doesn’t give him a chance to stop or even slow down. The mania just keeps running over you, it takes over him and he can just hang in there. Hope that this time he won’t hurt anyone too much. That he doesn’t do anything that can’t be fixed. That he doesn’t break anything that can’t be put back together.

The thing he fears maybe the most is that he hurts Isak while being manic. Of course he knows that Isak can take care of himself but there are things he could do that would hurt Isak in a way that would be unforgivable. What if he sleeps with someone else while being manic? He can’t just say “Sorry, I was manic and didn’t know what I was doing!” because let’s face it, he isn’t brain dead when he’s manic. He does have his own mind and his own will as well. Yes, the mania runs over almost everything but still, he is the one doing the things. 

And he would die if he would hurt Isak. He couldn’t live with that. He knows some people are worried that Isak is too gentle with him when he is manic. That Isak lets him use him when he is manic. That Isak doesn’t say “no” enough. Which kind of is one of his biggest fears. That after a while Isak would throw something at his face and say that he didn’t know how to say no then but he should have said no and that now he regrets it.

This is something they talk about from time to time. How it feels when he is manic. How it feels to him and how it feels to Isak. Because the thing is that being bipolar is not just your own illness, it affects your close ones as well. Just like being alcoholic for example. 

There are times when he needs his family to take him to the doctor and make him take the YMRS and spill to the doctor that how fast his mind is racing, how he doesn’t sleep and how he just wants to fuck Isaks like 24/7. And you have no idea how embarrassing it is to talk to your psychiatrist about your sex life.

At the moment, when you are manic, it doesn’t feel bad at all but when you hit the low and you have your next appointment and your psychiatrist takes out the form you filled last time and asks if things are still like that, that do you still have sex with your boyfriend eight times a day, you just want the ground to open up and swallow you whole so you don’t have to say anything. 

But then it is even more important that he talks. Because he needs to maybe adjust his meds, he needs to get the mania spiraling down although it means hitting a low but still, he needs to slow down.

He hates this. YMRS, BDI, meds, doctor’s visits, being always somewhat mindful of his mood, keeping track on how he sleeps. He knows that in a way it’s no different than if he would be diabetic or if he had a heart condition, but it feels just so much worse. It’s the shame. It’s the way people look at you when you tell why you don’t drink as others your age do because your meds don’t work with alcohol and that could be actually dangerous. The look on his friends eyes the few times he actually gets drunk and they worry if he is okay.

He doesn’t want to be different but yet he is. He wants to just love Isak, live his life with him, go to Uni and have a normal life. Whatever a normal life is in this case. Isak keeps telling him normal is overrated but he would still give almost anything for a normal, boring life. One where you don’t need to go to therapy, learn to see the signs of mania or depression, eat a handful of meds every morning and evening, fill out forms about your mental state regularly. 

Yes, he is now doing a lot better. Still every time he has a night when he doesn’t sleep well he gets worried. Is this the start of another episode? Is this the episode that leads into Isak leaving him because he can’t handle the shit anymore? Is this the episode he hurts someone? Because there always is that possibility that he ends up hurting someone with his grand ideas. That he does something he can not fix.

**Author's Note:**

> Like always with this series, this is based on my own experiences on being bipolar. This is my way of dealing with my illness and also my way of sharing how it feels to live with this illness. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have about bipolar, I'm Tuiii on tumblr and my ask is always open. And I love comments and kudos! 
> 
> Title is from Placebo - Infra-red.


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